Saturday, April 01, 2006

News Flash! Indiana Government Withdraws From Union in Desperate Attempt to Avoid Daylight Savings!

The National Guard has been called out in Terre Haute, Indianapolis and South Bend, Indiana, to attempt to restore order. The Governor of the State has declared martial law and attempted, with a strong majority of the legislature, to secede from the United States.

For thirty years, Indiana has been one of three states which has refused to adopt state-wide daylight savings time. The result has been a patchwork of time zones. Here is a link to a very good website developed by the Monroe County school district attempting to explain "What time is it in Indiana?" The site is very impressive since it was developed in large part as a class project by eighth graders.

In the fall of 2005, legislation was passed, partly under the impetus of the U.S. Department of Transportation, to create uniform time-zones and adopt Daylight Savings across the entire state. As of April 2, 2006, Indiana was due to move into Daylight Savings across the entire state.

People were panicking. Newspapers, radio stations and television stations were pushing out information on how to set your clocks ahead an hour. They were recommending not to actually stay up until 2 AM to do this, but do it before going to bed. There were debates on talk radio and in cafes and bars. Letters to the editor flooded into the newspapers, and church bulletins published fervent prayers. Farmers swore that their cows would know the difference and would not be fooled by the damned fool fiddlin' with the clocks. Communist plots were alleged. Terrorists were blamed.

At last, under extreme public pressure, the governor of the state has seized control of the situation and attempted to withdraw from the Union rather than submit to the forced imposition Daylight Savings time. State legislators are making declarations about states' rights.

However, the Justice Department is taking a very dim view of the attempt at secession. They are arming a group of federal marshalls and a special services squad to go to the state capitol. They are sending F.B.I. agents with a special negotiator. They plan to arrest or ask for the surrrender of the governor and eight of the ring-leaders of the secession plan. This is shaping up into the sort of head-on collision of states' rights against federalism that we have not seen since the days of integration in the deep south.

The last communication with the outside world was with the Astro-Physics Department at Indiana University. They were working on space-time continuum theory, in an attempt to solve the issue through application of quantum theory to real-world problems. Professor H. F. G. Taschentuch, Ph. D. explains that if they are able to find a niche in time, they might be able to save nine.

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