The Beatitudes for Educators [WARNING: Satire!]

Then Jesus took his disciples up on the mountain and gathered them around Him. And then He taught them, saying:

'Blessed are the poor in spirit,
Blessed are the meek,
Blessed are the merciful,
Blessed are you who thirst for justice,
Blessed are you who are persecuted,
Blessed are the peacemakers.'

And Simon Peter said, 'Do we have to write this stuff down?'

And Philip said, 'Will this be on the test?'

And Andrew said, 'John the Baptist's disciples don't have to learn this stuff.'

And Matthew said, 'Huh?'

And Judas said, 'When am I ever going to use this in real life?'

Then one of the Pharisees, an expert in law, said, 'I don't see any of this in the syllabus. Do you have a lesson plan? Is there an activity for each of the seven intelligences? Where is the study guide? Will there be any authentic assessment? Will remediation and extra credit be provided for those who did not meet class requirements so they can still pass?'

And Thomas, who had missed the sermon, came to Jesus privately and said, 'Did we do anything important today?'

And Jesus wept.